My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
