When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
