i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
