Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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