I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
We talked him into tasing himself.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Randomize
