So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
i out mim tonsoeep
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