You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
