i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
