you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
