The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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