I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
