i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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