I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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