my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
