found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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