it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
