She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
