i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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