What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
