Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
