Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
