a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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