On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
