i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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