That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
