I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
