Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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