Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
