I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
