I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
