Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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