I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Drunk is a universal language darling
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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