Rock
Scissors
Fuck
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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