i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
