guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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