she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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