the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
