Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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