Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
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