Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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