i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
