What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
