i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
