Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
