I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
