textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
