You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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