I'm going to jail i love you
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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