im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
