using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
