and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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